Building Healthy Relationships

 

Course Overview

 

The Enabler: “When helping hurts the ones you love.”

10-Week Discussion Group on the self-help classic by Angelyn Miller, MA

Facilitated by Charles and Dianne Skye, PhD, NCC

(352) 514-2030; (352) 514-2055; (352) 373-6033 (H)

 

  1. Introduction

 

This course will focus on clarifications of enabling messages and Christian living. Messages that we receive from our Christian heritage like: “putting others first”; “giving ourselves away”; “being our brother’s keeper”; and “if I claim any rights for myself, I am selfish”- are all common beliefs that we embrace. Together we will learn to distinguish between unhealthy patterns of enabling behavior and mature healthy faith as the foundation of successful relationships. We will explore issues about the value of the individual in the teachings of Jesus and how self- love forms the foundation for living with others. We will consider service as an active choice of free will as opposed to the concept of service out of guilt, fear or the need to be needed. We will learn that enablers have poor boundaries and together we will explore the issues of control, setting limits and self-worth as separate from the work one does or service we render. We will emphasize balanced healthy living that is God-directed, joyous and free from being driven by inner compulsions. In a nutshell, we will learn that as Christians, it is OK to say “No.”

 

  1. Themes

 

If you see yourself with some of these behaviors, then this group may be beneficial to you:

 

  • Protecting the ones you love from natural consequences of behavior

  • Keeping Secrets about behavior from others to keep peace

  • Making Excuses for the behavior (to school, friends, legal authorities, work, family members)

  • Bailing out of Trouble (paying debts, tickets, fines, providing jobs)

  • Blaming Others for your loved one’s behavior- removing personal responsibility

  • Seeing the Problem as the Result of Something Else (shyness, adolescence, loneliness, broken home)

  • Avoiding the problem to keep peace

  • Giving Money that is Underserved or Unearned

  • Attempting to Control (planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs)

  • Making Threats that have no follow through or consistency

  • Taking Care of Others to the point of doing for he/she what they are capable of and should be expected to do for themselves)

We will discuss compliance patterns and together come to understand the definition of enabling:

Enabling is reacting to a person in such a way that shields he/she from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows a person to be irresponsible.

  1. Group Format

During this 10-week course we will, together as a group, read 2 chapters of the book each meeting. The facilitators will share life experiences, design discussion questions and direct group activities that help participants process the information, enhance insight and encourage our collective transformation process for living differently from an honest, direct, and self-actualizing manner.

 

  1. Confidentiality

Confidentiality is a requirement for the successful functioning of this group experience. The privacy of each member is to be protected and respected. What group members share is to stay in the room.

 

There is a difference between legitimate helping of others close to us who genuinely need care, love and support during times of hardship, crisis, and duress. Together we can learn to distinguish the difference between enabling that fosters dependence and unhealthy relationships and loving in the God-directed manner that our Christian faith calls for to promote balanced living and taking care of oneself.

(Material in this syllabus was pulled together from various sources including the article Codependency and Christian Living on the website overcomingthedarkness.com/ .)